This was originally posted on my old blog on April 7, 2009.
It's April again and Cesarean Awareness Month.
I had my first cesarean almost 12 years ago because my 2nd daughter got stuck in a brow presentation. (Her forehead was the presenting part, her chin was not tucked.) I had chosen a hospital that had all the right stuff, birth balls, birthing stools, a rocking chair that you could labor in, etc. I didn't get to use any of it even though I was in labor for 18ish hours. When I went to the hospital I was already 5 days "overdue" and had suspicions that my water had been leaking for a few days. If I only knew then what I know now, I would have never had either of my c-sections. When I got to the hospital my OB confirmed that my water had broken and that I had a fever. She ordered an IV antibiotic and admitted me even though I wasn't in labor. :-( If I did know then what I know now I could have just rested, pushed a lot of fluids and taken vitamin C to help fight any infection, even though a fever is NOT a definitive sign of an infection. My OB also told me that she'd been up all night with laboring women and was in no shape to stay and help me. So, one of her partners that I had already met took over. I was induced, laying flat on my back, no surprise I ended up with a malpositioned baby. :-( I was on the highway to a c-section and didn't even know it. Induced before labor began, early epidural because baby was pushing on a sciatic nerve which the epi didn't help, catheter (that was a COMPLETE nightmare), unable to leave the bed. I knew as I began to recover afterward that if I'd had a midwife, I would not have had a c-section. I would have been able to use all those cool things like the ball and the stool, etc. and move around. I also drew into myself, I can't say exactly why, but I knew my labor/delivery wasn't right. I'd already had one baby vaginally. I did but didn't understand why my 2nd baby ended up in such a bad position. I felt betrayed, by my body, my baby and mostly by the OB and nurses. No one ever suggested that I lay on my side, get up and walk around, sit in the rocking chair right next to the bed, sit on the birth ball across the room. The room was flipping huge, there was PLENTY of room to move around. WHY didn't anyone suggest that I try that??
For the entire time I was in the hospital after my surgery (5 days total, I think) I do not remember seeing one lactation consultant. I barely remember seeing the nurses except for that time when I stood up (after laying in bed for 2 days after my surgery) and watched blood just gush out of me and run down my legs. I naturally started to freak and my poor husband and the time went completely white and ran for the call button. I only nursed my daughter for 2 weeks, some of it was me, but I blame part of it on my c-section and the lack of nursing support that I received at the hospital.
I cannot say when or if I ever really bonded with my daughter that was born of my 1st c-section. I know that I did not bond with her the same way that I bonded with any of my other three daughters. I love her with all of my heart, but the bond just wasn't the same.
I wish that I'd tried to find a midwife that I could barter with. I hadn't really considered a midwife as a possibility because our insurance wouldn't cover and we didn't have much extra money at the time. I really wish that I'd at least had a doula. I was so ignorant at the time I had no idea what a doula was. :-(
If you want to read any of my complete birth stories they are here: http://www.jessicas-haven.com/pgnb/ Enjoy!
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